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New Skyrim Ultimate Edition Unveiled! — April 01, 2019

Following the 25th Anniversary of The Elder Scrolls, and last year's reveal of Skyrim: Very Special Edition, Bethesda Softworks has unveiled their latest iteration of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. In an even bolder move over last year's removal of graphics and traditional controls from the game, this year's version finally does away with most of the remaining technical limitations. "I've been saying for years that the biggest thing holding The Elder Scrolls back is its accessibility," Pete Hines proudly announced, "and that's why we looked at what we had, and really thought about what was keeping the last few people from trying Skyrim. Technology. We've ported Skyrim to more consoles than any other title we have created. You can play Skyrim on your Alexa Toilet or Smart Fridge. But that doesn't help you if you don't even have electricity."

We reached out to Todd Howard for further details, who finally explained what was really happening. "They've been taking a bunch of interns to every single office supply store in Maryland and buying every single notebook, paper ream, and organizer they could find. I remember the day they started doing this because they just brought in load after load of paper into the office and I joked, 'What, did we buy out Dunder Mifflin?' and then they explained to me what they were doing. They're taking these notebooks and they're just slapping on a sticker that says "Skyrim: Ultimate Edition" on them. You just write in it and that's Skyrim now. Like you might write 'I see a mountain.' and in the game in the book you are staring at this mountain." Todd provided his own original copy of Skyrim: Ultimate Edition to visually illustrate some of these concepts, but did not permit us to examine it ourselves as he was "in the middle of fighting a really tough boss, and I don't want to lose my progress".

We pointed out to Pete Hines that there was nothing stopping anyone from just writing about Skyrim on a piece of paper, without buying Skyrim: Ultimate Edition, to which he replied: "We believe we have built such an incredible and engaging bug free experience that simply using a piece of paper wouldn't even begin to recreate the experience of Skyrim:Ultimate Edition. Besides, if you try, we have lawyers"

Computer enthusiasts do not need to worry about missing out however, as Skyrim: Ultimate Edition will also be supported on Microsoft Word, Google Docs, and Apple Pages.

From the intrepid reporter, Rolf O'Pais.