User:Piratesahoy/The Tales of Porkchop/Chapters 1-10

The UESPWiki – Your source for The Elder Scrolls since 1995
Jump to: navigation, search

Chapter 1: The Arena[edit]

The crowd quivered in anticipation. The Minotaur lord huffed behind his cage on one side, as Porkchop was raised to the other side. The crowd gaped in astonishment. How could a mere pig, no matter how blood crazed, hope to challenge a Minotaur. They were immediately silenced.

The Minotaur charged out of the gates, and swung with its mighty warhammer. Porkchop dodged the maneuver, and used his metal crushing tusks to shatter the Minotaur’s leg. The Minotaur hobbled around and looked towards the noble swine. It was the last thing it would ever see. Porkchop dove and tackled the Minotaur, ripping out the vile creature’s throat, as it hit the ground, the earth shook under Porkchop's hooves.

The crowd rose to its feet, stunned. Until, a voice yelled from the back of the arena. "ALL HAIL THE TUSK'D WARRIOR." Hail!, the crowd replied, Porkchop strutted around the arena to this praise, and once again returned to his cell, to wait for the day where he may have his revenge.

Three weeks later, and Four score enemies had fallen before the mighty tusks of the great Porkchop. The Tusk'd warrior had just finished murdering an angry Land Dreugh, when he was called upon again.

The great one was immediately put into gold armor, signifying his holy nature. This warthog would be THE champion. The crowd roared as the tusked warrior took his battle stance. This would be his first fight against a human, or in this case, an Argonian.

The tusked warrior charged, the crowd rose to its feet, surely the Argonian would not be able to stand against the brutal assault of Porkchop. Nay, the Argonian trembled in fear, he wet himself. As Porkchop dove for his throat, he hit the ground, swinging his dagger as he went. The dagger struck the tusked warrior. It penetrated his holy armor.

He squealed in agony, crimson blood unpurified the armor of the swine. The Argonian rose to his feet, with an evil grin on his face. Taking out his claymore, the Argonian prepared to finish the young pig once and for all as it gasped for air in the center of the arena. Would this be the end of Porkchop...?

The Argonian licked a bead of sweat off his chin; he stared at the warthog struggling to stand in the middle of the pit. He unsheathed a claymore, wielding it high above his head, ready for the kill. Warthog saw this as though a dream. He sat there musing, "is this the end? No, it can't be, it will NOT be. A sudden rage ripped through Porkchop, he used the last of his strength to lunge towards the Argonian, off balance from carrying the claymore, and he toppled like a sack of bricks.

Porkchop looked down at his stunned opponent who attempted to contain the bleeding of his stomach. Porkchop lifted up his cloven hoof, and bared it down on the Argonian's throat. The Argonian struggled for a little bit, then finally gave up and accepted his death.

Stunned at what had happened, the crowd stared in amazement at the crippled, wounded warthog standing over a dead Argonian. “All hail the Tusked warrior!!” shouted the announcer, and the crowd went wild. Cheers, praise, and underwear were thrown at Porkchop as the healers rushed to the pit, Porkchop would live to fight another day.

The great Porkchop trained and trained and trained. He would be the baddest mother***** in the arena, he knew it. He drove bags, he sparred, and he did everything he could. He reached the level he was before he had his injury and then surpassed it.

He learned to use magic, he learned to block and he learned how to stealthily kill. The Tusk'd champion was soon the most feared opponent throughout the arena, and none dared oppose him.


Chapter 2: The Escape[edit]

Porkchop was quite restless, as it had been three days since his last battle. The mighty one stopped and ate from his trough for a few minutes, as he was still hungry. The last bout had taken a toll on him, and he wondered when he would have a chance to taste the open air again. Part of him wished to feel the grime of battle again, while the other had grown sick of all the killing.

Most of him just wanted out of this prison cell. The other arena combatants were free to come and go, why couldn't he? Over his stay, these thoughts would torment him.

Finally, he was let out. They had kept him in to make him fierce, and as he huffed up to the gates, the crowd cheered for him. Then the gates opened, he rushed out. It was a battle to the death with another warthog. This angered Porkchop. Now that the victims were of his own race, things had changed. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw its still expression. Once he had seen a dead mud crab disposed of as it had failed to kill the ogre it was put up against, and he saw an idea.

The mud crab was thrown into a burlap sack, and then tossed to a merchant, which Porkchop assumed brought the unfortunate crab to an eatery, much like the gilded carafe. This was Porkchop's only chance for escape, faking his death.

Porkchop threw the next match against a few trolls, he kicked up dust around where the main battle took place and in the end, though all the trolls were dead, Porkchop also lay still among them. The crowd gasped in shock. A woman screamed for him to get back up, but he simply lay there. Motionless. The next day, a small ceremony was held in Porkchop's name.

Within the next three hours, his coffin had been tossed adrift into the Niben River....


Chapter 3: The Wilderness[edit]

Two days later, the coffin washed ashore. Ragged and hungry by the journey Porkchop had just been through, it required all of his energy to push open the top. As he crawled out of his makeshift boat, his first thoughts were of food. Spying a nearby camp, he snuck towards it, and saw the food laid out by the fire. Porkchop, not even thinking rationally, dashed and picked up the food, among screams and shouts from the bandits that were already there.

Porkchop then ran faster than he ever had before. Three horses pursued him. He darted around trees, behind rocks, and back and forth in order to escape the constant volley of arrows. After ten minutes of this, he was exhausted, surely enough the bandits would chase him until he died. This was hopeless. Then

"FOR THE EMPEROR!!!!!!!!" Porkchop heard a shout. An Imperial Legion suddenly cut off his pursuers. The bandits were outnumbered, but the legion guard was well trained, and within the first thirty seconds, one of the bandits was stabbed and knocked off his horse, the horse then ran with one of the bandits feet still strapped in to distant lands.

That was when an arrow found a gap in the legionnaire’s armor. As he grimaced in pain, the bandits swept in for the kill. Knocked off his horse by a mace to the side of his head, the guard laid on the ground unconscious. The bandits got off their horses and began to loot his body, when Porkchop realized he needed to save his unlikely ally.

Mounted, Porkchop couldn't hope to defeat the bandits, but as now they were on his level, he stood a chance. The first bandit never even saw him, and as such, never stood a chance. The second was so caught up in his new silver longsword and new armor that he didn't notice his partners demise until he realized that he was sitting in his partner's blood, when he shrieked, but by that time it was too late.

Porkchop dragged the guard into a nearby cave, and there he ate his spoils as he stood watch over his body. However, soon sleep overcame Porkchop and with his eyes closed, he could not see the glowing eyes in the darkness that had surrounded them.


Chapter 4: The Cave[edit]

Porkchop slept for several hours before he awoke. He was in a cage made crudely out of sticks and sharp metal with three rats. His mind raced with fear. Where was he? And where was the guard he was with? This caged in area overlooked another large portion of the cave, where a group of dark shapes were doing something around another cage. He couldn't see that at the moment so he took stock of his new surroundings.

The rats he was with appeared well fed, they also looked like they hadn't gotten a lot of exercise in a while. Obviously, they weren't going to eat him, or they would've done it a while ago. The cage was on a mini cliff side, and off the cliff’s side was the cluster of dark shapes he had seen earlier. Other than that, he saw a keg of wine and some bottles of Surilie brothers on a table nearby. The cave was so cursedly dark that he couldn't see anything past that, even darker than his cell back in the arena.

Suddenly a dark shape appeared next to a cage and threw in a large piece of meat. Porkchop wondered what it was, but before he could get closer, it was already gone. Turning towards the meat, he went to inspect it but before he could, the rats were already on it. Trying to get a better look he nudged one out of the way, but it responded by hissing and biting him on the nose.

In reaction, Porkchop thrust his tusks at the rat. The rat was thrown against the fence, impaled on a stray spike. Porkchop then had a free go at the meat, he ate his share. Tasted funny, not like anything he had ever eaten before. It was a huge amount. Even after Porkchop and the rats had a go, there was plenty left. No question whoever had them was farming them.

It would be days before Porkchop realized he had been eating horsemeat.


Chapter 5: The Rockback Tribe[edit]

Porkchop tried to figure ways out of the cave for the next few days. He had figured out that his captors were goblins. His first thought of them was vile, and this appeared to be a huge cave full of them. They carried steel and silver weaponry that had been stolen from nearby cities and settlements, and they were strong too.

All of the original rats he had been with were already dead. The impaled one was eaten soon after its death. One had been eaten alive by a goblin, the last one put over a fire, and cooked before being eaten, Porkchop could still hear the squeals it made.

He knew it was only a matter of time before they decided he would make a good meal. He needed an opportunity to escape. Then, one morning he woke up to find the guard passed out underneath a keg of wine.

Porkchop figured it was now or never, and proceeded to try to ram down the door with his tusks. He charged, it didn't break. Bleeding from the face now because of the sharpness of the fence, he was reluctant to do it again, but survival told him to do it, he rammed it again. And again. And again.

Just as it was about to finally topple, he heard noises, voices. "So you’re sure this is where our friends are" "Yes, the pools of blood are just outside, it’s obvious the goblins got to them." "That was a lot of blood out there." "Eh, Turan always struck me as the bleedy sort." "So where's the shaman." "Probably at the bottom of the cave. Shhhh, be quiet or we won't get our revenge." "Oi, look at this pig, looks rather scrumptious." "Ah", one of the bandits said opening the cage door, "Come out little fella."

Porkchop dashed out beyond the reach of the bandit. "Oi, *****!" he heard as he bolted away through dark hallways. Finally, he came down to an open room, a fire burned in the middle, with something cooking over it. On a makeshift ledge of the room the bodies of two of the bandits lay.

The noise of sword fighting and shouts frightened him out of taking in his surroundings. Goblin shrieks echoed from the lower corridors. That was when Porkchop noticed the bleeding, scarred Imperial guard staring at him from the inside of the fence.


Chapter 6: The Retreat[edit]

The guard stared at him with gloomy eyes. Although Porkchop hadn't had a very rough time in his pen, the legionnaire apparently had. Sleep and food deprived, he looked on the brink of insanity. His body was scattered with marks from beatings from his keepers. Porkchop wondered whether to let him out, the guard had actually never seen him, and may well believe that Porkchop was coming to finish him off.

The Tusked warrior approached the gate, and the legionnaire flinched and let out a little yelp. Porkchop then pulled out the gate, much easier from the outside, and gave the legionnaire a clear escape. The guard was shocked at what he saw. He picked up the nearest weapon he had; a bone from a dead cell mate, and pointed it threateningly at Porkchop as he strafed out of his cage, began to walk away, then turned, and went into a dead sprint.

Porkchop suddenly heard footsteps echoing up the cave. “To whom did they belong to?” he wondered as he tucked himself into a dark corner. That wonder was put aside as one of the bandits he had seen earlier sprinted by weaponless. Another trailed him, clutching his wounded arm, which spewed blood everywhere. The second one was finally caught by a horde of goblins that had chased him, they had cut his hamstring as he ran, and was tripped. Judging by the horde's bloody weapons, the third no longer lived.

The goblins considered chasing the first bandit, but the warlord stepped in front of them and shrieked at them for a while. After he was done, the goblins grabbed the sobbing bandit by his wrists, and dragged him back down into the depths of the cave screaming bloody murder.

Porkchop realized that the exit of the cave was only a few paces away; he warily walked out of Rockback Cave.

After about half an hour of very slow walking, he came to a magnificent promontory jutting out. To the north was a great bay, and to his south was a slow, wide river. It was dusk now, and he needed somewhere to sleep. Just north on his side of the bay, was a walled city, Porkchop had never been happier to see civilization. On a small island to the south were the remains of a burned building, he would stop there for the night, and make for his city tomorrow.


Chapter 7: Presents[edit]

Porkchop had the best sleep of his life, up until when it started raining. The putrid odor of swamp and sewage filled the air as he left the house for a hike towards his new city. Over the large hill he walked, and he glanced at the valley which he had came from yesterday.

Instead of the lush grass that was everywhere yesterday, the valley floor was now littered with muddy footprints, goblin footprints. He stayed on top of the hill following the valley until he could see a fort in the distance, stained with the aura of battle. Dozens of goblins crowded the gates to the fort, which were partially pulled open. Loyal archers stayed on the top level, slinging arrow after arrow into the horde. Porkchop could see bandits battling goblins through windows of the fort, the bandits were fighting valiantly, but they couldn't match the numbers of the goblins, soon the fort was overrun, archers were pushed off the top ledge, and plenty taken prisoner.

A trapdoor suddenly opened up next to Porkchop, how he never saw it before was anyone's guess. A familiar bandit poked his head out and climbed out the trapdoor, slamming it shut. This bandit was injured, and he was dirty from the passage he had just gone through. He had a frightened expression on his face. He found a nearby boulder, and rolled it over the trapdoor. He stood back and admired his handiwork, then seemed to notice Porkchop.


He recognized Porkchop instantly, and then seemed to have an idea.

"Here", he said, brandishing a staff with a skull on the end."Take it, its more trouble than its worth." He threw the staff on the ground and ran off towards the south.

Porkchop stared at the staff for a moment. Obviously it held great danger, but he felt confident he could sell it to anybody he passed anywhere, maybe after he stayed a night in the city, he could go see if the Mages Guild would take it. If not, he could always sell it to any rare artifacts merchant.

Porkchop picked up the Shaman staff, and trotted happily towards Bravil.


Chapter 8: Buyer's Remorse[edit]

Porkchop finally reached Bravil, and as he walked across the trail looking for a bridge into the city, he heard something behind him. Porkchop had been walking at a steady pace the entire time, and was somehow still shocked to see thirty goblins chasing him.

Still far away, it took a moment to register for Porkchop, finally he realized it was more running for his life. Porkchop took off. He was much slower than usual; the Goblins had made him out of shape. The staff he carried was strapped to his back, so it wouldn't get in his way.

He heard a horn inside the city. It was obviously some type of warning. He was still running as fast as he could when he saw the stables in front of him. Good. He was close. People were fleeing the stables into the city. Porkchop ran after, now on their heels. About 40 yards behind him, the goblins followed.

The rope bridge swung and tottered with all the people running across it. One Khajiit was thrown into the water beneath them. The gates were a foot from being completely closed when Porkchop darted through. He would be the last one.

The Goblins pounded on the door, tried to climb the walls, and shrieked like crazy. Archers stood on the ramparts, shooting fiery arrows into them. Finally, the bridge caught fire and the goblins that weren't smart enough to get off fell into the water.

The guards had dropped a rope for the Khajiit to run up. He grabbed it and started climbing with catlike agility. The goblins tried to climb it, but after realizing they couldn't, resorted to pulling the rope out of the guard's hands. The Khajiit dove for the ramparts, missed, and fell back into the horde.

Now, Bravil was under siege. The goblins waited around all sides of the moat. The remaining were swimming back now. Within 5 minutes, the Khajiit, the horses, and any other living thing caught outside the walls were nowhere to be found.


Chapter 9: The Skooma Den[edit]

When Porkchop got into Bravil, his first impression of the place was... smelly. The swamps nearby were more putrid then he had anticipated. The entire city reeked of sewage.

His second impression was cool. All of the buildings were stacked on top of each other. There were rope bridges and docks. The whole place just felt cozy.

The inhabitants were fear struck. They all had pale faces, and when they saw him holding the staff, they bolted in fear. “Why is everyone afraid of me?” Porkchop thought. Ah well, it was high time for him to get some rest.

On the top floor of a building, he finally found people who wouldn't run away, in fact, when they saw him they broke out in hysterics. They calmly let him inside.

Once inside, he saw the whole place was a mess. Four people inside saw the Tusked Warrior carrying the staff. They immediately were inconsolable for laughter. They rolled on the floor, they pounded the walls. One began crying into a pillow for some reason that Porkchop didn't know.

"’s...a pig...Hahahhaha" "Its got like... a stick, hahha" "hahaha... I think it’s a staff or something" "Maybe its a...WIZARD PIG!!!"

At this, the whole room broke out in hysterics. Except for one...

"Dude, holy *****, a wizard pig, jeez, I'm gettin' the hell out of here"

One of the people, a Breton, took the staff.

"Oooh, look at me, I'm the Archmage, hahahha" he said as he swung and hit an Argonian with it. "I wanna be Archmage... hahha" said a Redgaurd as he fought with him for it

Then, as they fought, the staff went off, and lightning struck a nearby Imperial, throwing him against the wall killed instantly.

There was a brief period of silence and disbelief, and then the room once again broke out into complete laughter. The two people continued to fight over the staff. Then an imperial guard kicked down the door.


Chapter 10: The Raid[edit]

The guard kicked the door open to find the chaotic scene. A dead Imperial leaned against the wall. A Redgaurd and Breton high on skooma fighting over a totem staff. A warthog. A passed out Argonian lying on the stairs and a dark elf crying into a pillow.

The guard’s brain just switched to off trying to comprehend all of this, and then he regained composure. He would first need to take the totem staff away from the two junkies. Quickly drawing his sword, he pointed it to the Redgaurd's throat.

"It's...So...SHINY!!!!!!!!!" said the Redgaurd

"Let it go" "hahha, sounds like someone needs a hug"

"Don't walk towards me I'm warning yo..."

"Gimme a hug"

"I will not give you a...”

"C'mon, put your sword down"

"I will not let down my...”

"Just for a second"


The Redgaurd made one last lunge to have the hug he wanted so dearly. The guard reacted instinctively, and the unfortunate junkie wound up impaled on the guard's sword. More guards were instantly called in on the scene. The junkies were all slapped in irons, the staff confiscated. Finally, one guard noticed Porkchop.

"Hey, a pig."


"Over there."

One guard immediately recognized him; he stepped in front of the others.

"I'll take care of the pig; you get that staff to the count so we can figure out what to do with it."

The other guards walked off, the guard that Porkchop had saved, grabbed him and told him to follow him home.

Porkchop and the guard walked to his house, which was quite cozy. He pulled out some cloth and laid it in front of the fire, and then he gave the Tusked Warrior a dish of venison, which Porkchop ate happily.

They then went to the county hall. Porkchop listened to the conversation

"How will we get rid of this?"

"Can we simply throw it to the goblins?"

"No, even if we could get it all the way over the river, the goblins would still want us dead."

"So, then what do we do?"

"Were besieged on all sides, and our city never had much food to begin with, we need to act fast. Tomorrow the beggars will begin asking for food, and everyone else will follow."

"We need outside help."

"The only way out of the city is by water."

"Where can we get help from?"

"I don't know, it will take too much paperwork to get the Imperial Legion in here, and even then we'll need sea support."

"And what then, nobody has seen all of Rockback caves, nobody knows how many goblins are in there, and they could keep coming!" "We need to kill the shaman."

"And how do we do that?"

They council of guards and the count looked at each other for a few seconds, wondering what they could do to kill the shaman.

Then one piped up

"The Dark Brotherhood?"