Tamriel Data:A Dunce in Morrowind, vol. 5

A Dunce in Morrowind, v5
by Frolja Silver-Blood

Once I awoke, being the well-educated future noble I am, I quickly deduced we were no longer in the Deshaan Plains, on account of my no longer feeling as though my organs wanted to escape through my mouth. Even more surprisingly, I found, I was not in jail.

"Oh, you're awake," the dark elf man in front of me said. It seemed I was in some kind of one of those fancy mansion houses that I had heard so much about.

"Ah. This must be one of those fancy mansion houses I have heard so much about," I said.

"This is Savos manor, yes," the man said. "I am Ovar Savos, of Savos Manor."

"Ah!" I said. "Well you see, that's strange, because last I recall, I was I recall I was last in the Deshaan Plains."

"Yes."

"And then, you see, one of those Dres cast a spell of Divine Intervention on me."

"Yes. When you and your companion ended up at Fort Lutemoth, the Imperial captain was so offended by the smell of the Plains all over you that he knocked the two of you out. Then he stacked both of you on the guar of one of the travelling traders and paid him 1000 Imperial coins drakes to travel in any direction until nobody at Fort Lutemoth could smell it anymore. He was so serious about this that he set up a system of war-signal fireworks at the fort so that the trader would be able to see whether or not they could still smell the two of you regardless of how far away you went."

"Cunning man, that captain. Don't you agree?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"But where are my manners? Well met, Ovar!" I stood to shake hands with the elf, but the elf stood back.

"I'm afraid that if I touch your hand, my skin might melt off."

"Huh? What are you - oh, silly me!" I shook my hand, watching huge clumps of Deshaan salt fly off and stain the floor.

"No, don't do that either. Just don't do things."

"You Chimer are a sensitive bunch after all, eh?" I said.

"Us Chimer?"

I was about to launch into an informative explanation, but I was interrupted by Remyn, who was yelling and sprinting into the room, as if dashing in to dive in front of Ovar and take an arrow for him.

"I am begging you, sera, please do not ask him to explain anything," Remyn said.

Ovar stood back from Remyn as well. "Oh, you... you also haven't had the salt cleaned off of you."

"I apologize, sera."

"No, no, it's quite alright. If anything, it's a blessing."

I can't really say why Remyn looked so disappointed when Ovar said that. "A blessing?" Remyn questioned, his shoulders sagging.

Ovar's look of disgust changed to the calm you see on priests' faces so often. "Oh, yes, absolutely. After all, this is a vital opportunity for me, as a young retainer of the Great House Indoril. By performing an act of charity by washing and healing you of the salt, my sponsors will look favourably on me for advancement."

"...ah," said Remyn.

"Well, turns out this place does know how to show a bit of generosity after all!" I said.

Ovar reluctantly accepted my compliment. "A noble of House Indoril is the most charitable and merciful mer you might ever meet, but they are also the most iron-willed and the strongest of spirit."

"Ah, I was meaning to ask," Remyn said. "You see, last I remember, we were in Fort Lutemoth."

"Yes, you were expelled for smelling bad," Ovar said.

"That is regrettable. Where are we now?"

"We're in Savos Manor!" I said proudly.

"You're in Savos Manor, yes," Ovar said.

"Yes, but where is Savos Manor?"

I was confused. "I'm afraid I don't understand, Remyn! It's Savos Manor!"

For perhaps three seconds, Remyn's facial expressions seemed to stop working. He then said, very very carefully, "And what city is Savos Manor closest to?"

"Well, it's in Akamora, of course," Ovar said.

Remyn seemed as though the revelation had frozen him in time.

"That's how bad the smell was," Ovar said, "but, I am a noble of House Indoril. So I will brave the toxic smells of the salt in order to cleanse you of your many filths and diseases."

"We didn't contract any diseases," Remyn said.

"Did you talk to any of the Dres?"

"Yes."

"Then your mind is diseased, for that memory must torment the both of you."

"We thank you for your generosity sera, but I'm afraid we must be going. We have a lot of other terrible situations to find ourselves in before the day is out, I'm sure."

"I'll pay you," Ovar said.

"Pardon me?" Remyn said.

"I'll pay you to accept my charity," Ovar said.

"We don't need the charity. We will be fine, somehow."

"You don't understand. Every time I ask whether or not I'm ready to advance in the Great House, I'm always told, 'Ovar, you must learn the virtue of Charity'. But I can't find anyone to be charitable or merciful too. I could give charity to my sister, but she stood on my foot five months ago, and she's only apologized three times. I could give charity to the Kwama miners, but apparently my idea of hiring adventurers to draw erotic images on the Kwama Workers for them to enjoy while in the mines was too 'unconventional' and 'absolutely insane' to hear my elders tell it. But this is a textbook case of where Charity and Mercy are needed."

"We will be leaving now," Remyn said. He gestured to me to follow him, and so I did, and we had a very nice, long journey to the front door, upon which we were unable to leave on account of hearing Ovar loading a crossbow and pointing it at us.

"I said... you need to accept my charity," Ovar said.

"Well, actually, you didn't," I turned around. Remyn seemed to accept impending death.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well, you didn't say we need to accept your charity. I mean, you said that you'd pay us to accept it, and you also said you were going to give it, but you never actually used the words 'you need to accept my charity', you know!" I said, doing a very good impression of Ovar. Ovar was clearly impressed with it, judging by the look of confusion he had on his face.

"Do you understand the position you're in, Nord?"

"Yes, I'm standing up."

"No, I mean the-the position you're in!"

"...Oh! That's right. I know what you're talking about."

"You do?" Ovar said.

"That's right! I'm in Savos Manor!"

Ovar Savos stared at me as if I had suddenly become a pile of sweetcakes. "Do you..." he strained out, "...understand... that I am pointing... a crossbow.. at you?"

"Oh, of course I understand that!" I said, "but that's the position you're in, now, isn't it lad?"

"But the position you're in is the position of having a crossbow pointed at you!" Ovar was basically  practically screaming now.

"Well, I'll be!  That's true, isn't it? I guess you're right!" And so I stood out of the way. "There. I'm no longer in that position!" Ovar stared at me, eyes as wide as a child's on meeting a god. After enjoying a good laugh, I stepped over to him and slapped him several times on the back in good humour, which he seemed to enjoyed because he didn't even try to stop me getting salt all over him.

"You know, you're very good at this whole 'riddles' business, Ovar!" I said. "That kind of thing would stump the fellows back in Winterhold!"

"...it would?" Ovar said. In his daze of gratitude, he just stared at the spot where I had been standing, stunned.

"Yes, of course! After all, the riddle was the fact that, when you pointed the crossbow somewhere, you invented a place called 'where the crossbow is pointing at', right?"

"...I did?"

"And just like that, suddenly, the position I was in wasn't just Savos Manor, it was also 'where the crossbow is pointing'!" I continued to slap Ovar's back. That elf didn't have a lot of meat between his skin and his spine, so it was starting to hurt my hand a little, but I knew he'd be disappointed if I stopped. "You know, you're quite skilled with riddles!"

"...I am?"

"Yes! You ought to go share this talent with everybody! You never know when you could surprise someone with how much they enjoy it the way I did!" I said. "Just do them to people all the time, no matter what! That can be your charity!"

"...I see," Ovar said. "Yes. I think you're right. I never thought of it that way. With my talent, I can-" Out of appreciation for my slapping him on the back still, Ovar passed out.

Remyn stared at me. I simply gave him a friendly smile, and opened the door for him. "Sure you don't want some slaps on the back as well?" I said.

"I'll let you know if so," Remyn said, and he gave a last look at Ovar, and then, with that, we headed out to Akamora, and promptly stepped into the waterfall outside of his Ovar's door and fell into the river.

• • • • 
        

Publisher's Note

Ovar Savos was of course adopted from the "Sandos and Convulates" skits, ever a favorite in the taverns of eastern Skyrim.

While every bard has their own version of the tale, this one was taken from the classics, as befitting the Sneezing Horker Historical Society. While the lazy almoner Convulates found no place in the Dunce, the overeager Ovar Sandos seemed like he had been waiting just for us.

Fort Lutemoth, located just south of the Orethan river, made a natural location for the Dunce to end up in. Actual Divine Intervention in Dres Horak would have the caster end up in a Hlaalu settlement, much to the derailment of the plot.