User:JohnB/Fanfiction/Starting from Scratch

(I wrote this as a sequel to some of my previous stories.)

The Imperial sat in the lower hold of the prisoner transport ship running his fingernails through his hair, glancing at the detritus, raking his teeth over his nails, and spitting out the filth. He did this repeatedly as a youngish Breton woman watched with a look of utter disgust.

He noticed her and ran his fingertips over his shirt.

"You wouldn't know a more refined way of doing this, would you?"

She shook her head.

"Lice," he announced apologetically.

"I know," she responded unapologetically. "I often feel them grubbing about in the nether region. So what do you do when you have to scratch around in there?"

He looked at her as if that had to be the most disgusting thing anybody had ever asked him.

"Look, if we can't get medicated shampoo, we should at least have access to fine-tooth combs."

"Shall I call room service?"

He broke into a smile when he realized here was a woman who could hold her own. He glanced around to see if any guards were nearby.

"Does the name Decumus Scotti mean anything to you?"

Her eyes widened.

"You?!"

He nodded.

"WOO-HOO!"

"Pipe down over there!" a guard admonished through the upper-hold hatch.

Decumus reached his hand for her to shake, but she made a face and he withdrew it.

“You’re quite well-known!” she continued in a low voice. "I’ve read all seven volumes of A Dance in Fire and enjoyed every one of them.”

“You mean there’s a story? About me?”

“Well, it doesn’t include what happened at the Vanech Building Company, but for that alone, people look up to you as a working class hero. So what brings you onto this fine mode of public transport?”

“To make a long story short, after my release from the Caldera ebony mine, I reconnected with a young lady I’d met some time prior to my incarceration for arson. My ‘ex’ was long gone, so I was looking forward to starting life all over again. Then out of the blue, a long-lost brother came into her life and turned it upside-down. One day she actually told me there was no benefit to her for being the second love in my life. I don’t know where she got that crazy idea, so our relationship finished even before it got up to speed.

“I then happened to bump into a fellow alumnus from the School of Hard Knocks in Caldera, and he invited me to join a smuggling ring, an Alumni Association so to speak, that diverted ebony from the stockpile at the mine. It was a very lucrative business until who but Miss Goodie Two-shoes, then in the pay of Crassius Curio, turned over evidence of our operations, and here I am.”

"Did she know that you were involved?"

"I wouldn't put it past her. Rumors began circulating that she was formerly the infamous Queen of Bandits, who brought about the downfall of the Sheriff of Bruma by sowing the seeds of discord among his troops. But then she got it into her head that she was the Nerevarene incarnate and was determined to show the world that she was sent by the gods to right all the wrongs in Vvardenfell."

“Not very lucky with women, are you?” she commented drily.

“Well, I got to know her 'Deus ex Machina' while collaborating with him on his chronicle of my adventures, and I can tell you he’s a bit too googly-eyed about this particular brainchild of his.”

“You can say what you want about her maker, but I happen to be his brainchild as well, and I’m glad he gave me more than just an ounce of brains. I don’t want to use the old ‘hooker with a heart’ cliché to describe myself because I’m more than that. I’m a woman with hopes and aspirations just like any other, and when I get hold of some money that’s owed to me, I plan to invest some of it in a weaver’s loom and go into the clothing business.”

“So, how did you end up here, uh...?”

“Just call me Lunette. Oh, and don’t be surprised if people look at me in recognition when we’re in Seyda Neen. I used to live nearby.

“Anyway, I tried to take the rap for an Argonian freedman who killed the murderer of a tax collector from the Census and Excise Office. The problem is that the authorities somehow automatically know if you’ve killed somebody, and they had nothing on me. All I wanted from Socucius Ergalla was the 500-drake reward, but he refused to pay it until I revealed the real killer, who might be using me as a front for some nefarious purpose, and also impounded the 200 drakes that were taken from the tax collector's corpse. The Argonian's former owner wanted to repossess him, so I was not about to squeal on him, so a judge ordered me to cool my heals in prison until I did. My court-appointed lawyer made out a writ of habeas corpus because withholding information is in itself not a crime. They had no choice but to let me go, and here I am, back where I started, but I still hope to collect those 700 drakes owed to me.

"You're not by any chance going to continue the single life, are you?"

Decumus's eyes narrowed as he looked askance at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, only that two heads are better than one when it comes to solving some of life's problems, and here we are starting from scratch. I know a lot about you from what I've read and heard, that you can be stupid, but level-headed and dependable when you're not. I've encountered a lot of men in my business, and I can vouch that your kind is very uncommon. I have a house near Seyda Neen, and you're welcome to move in once you've had a good bath. No rent. No obligations. We just look out for each other. And if something seems not right, you can walk away--no hard feelings."

"You're not afraid of my absconding with your 700 drakes, are you?"

"You would never do that. I heard you were true to your 'ex' until she finally ditched you."

“The problem is I hardly even know you."

“How long had you known your 'ex' when you proposed to her? I take it not very long. You know, instead of blundering through life the way you have, you should settle down and think things over more carefully, and you’ll find that what I’m suggesting makes perfect sense.”

Lunette told how she wanted the two of them to come up at the end of the line of prisoners because she had a bone to pick with Master Ergalla. Then once they were through with the preliminaries and she had her bag of gold, they could decide what to do from there.

Decumus came out of the Census and Excise Office with the piddly 87 drakes disbursed to him. Together, they would both have an additional 174 drakes to add to the 700, if and when she got it, which would total 874 drakes. Lunette was right--two heads were better than one. Otherwise, she would have 787 drakes to start out with while he would only have the piddly 87 drakes. But how does one get on with a woman like that? Laila was angst-ridden, and Yumiya was as changeable as quicksilver. There was no telling how this woman would turn out. There was only one way to find out.

"I have a feeling that you and I are about to become very close!"

Decumus wheeled around and saw the short, ugly Bosmer standing nearby.

"Fargoth, is that you?!"

"Mmm-hmmm!" he nodded languidly with his s**t-eating grin.

This little creep used to stalk him at the School of Hard Knocks in Caldera, but when Fargoth's sentence was completed, he was mercifully removed from the premises, and Decumus forgot all about him. However, Decumus had learned a few highly indecent one-liners in the Bosmer language to hold him at bay. He dredged his memory for the juiciest one--the Mother of all Bosmer Insults, or MOAB for short--and threw it at him.

"Oooooh!" Fargoth said, his head ready to explode, and he stomped away.

"Well, what'll it be, Decumus?" Lunette asked as she came out of the office.

"You got the money?"

"All 700 drakes!"

"How did you wangle that?"

"I told him I'd publicize to the whole world that the Census and Excise Office is negligent in honoring its obligations. If anybody finds a dead tax collector, just take the money and run. Apparently, this is not the first time a tax collector was murdered, so there would be no more bringing murderers to justice."

"Anyway, to answer your question, Lunette, I'm with you."

"Good! Let's go buy changes of clothing and some soap at Arrille's then go take a dip in the river."

They headed over to the store to do their shopping.