User:Piratesahoy/The Tales of Porkchop

The UESPWiki – Your source for The Elder Scrolls since 1995
Jump to: navigation, search

*note: This has been going for a month or so on gamefaqs, so it's already a long read. The chapters in the beginning are more satirical and fun, but it gradually gets more serious.

The Amazing Adventures of Porkchop
By Piratesahoy

BOOK ONE: The Imperial Rebellion[edit]


Sit fair child, as you will hear, the tale of a champion. Of the noble Porkchop, pig in the city.

Deep in the great forest, a young warthog was begat of a virgin. Shortly after, imperial trappers took this warthog away from his home. In a burlap sack, Porkchop was brought to the basement of the Gilded Carafe. The young swine saw the gleam of a silver axe through a gap, and acting purely upon his snoutly instinct, leapt out of the sack, goring the butcher in the eye, killing him instantly. Now, Porkchop has the taste of blood, in the streets, the wild pig of the city ran, slaughtering everything in his path like they had done to his race.

Finally, he was captured.

He was brought to the arena bloodworks, and was locked in a cage. The swine observed his new surroundings. Blood seeped through the cracks in the ceiling, falling in a pool in the corner. Countless hours passed as Porkchop lay in wait in his cell, finally, he was let into daylight.


Book Two[edit]


The pale figure dashed desperately through the wilderness of a stormy night. Every second he lived without a single drop of blood was agony. The fog was so intense that he had run into a number of trees, rocks, and even a timber wolf, and now as his blood ran across his brow; he had come to his goal.

A magnificent castle rose before him. Far above the forest floor where he stood was a lit window. That meant people. That meant blood. The castle was on top of a rocky outcropping, which obstructed his already difficult climb. Without thinking, he threw himself upon the rocks, scrambling up the sharp boulders that were slipped over with rain. He arrived now at the base of the castle, bloody, disheveled, and now in more agony than ever.

He dropped to his knees. The pain was now so overwhelming that he wanted to cry out, to shriek with agony so that the entire world could hear it. He still had enough willpower to grind his teeth. He smashed his own head on the castle wall and his vision temporarily focused. He blinked a few times, twitched, and began his climb.

Handholds were few and far between, but still this man kept his desire. He shoved his fingers in any cracks, on any loose bricks, and on anything that could propel him higher. The rain chilled his hands, which now shouted at him to let loose the pressure, yet he did not notice. His desires were all that he thought about.

Finally, his hand gripped the windowsill of the lit window. With strength unknown to any normal human, he pulled himself up, and peered through. His vision was very blurred around his peripherals, causing him tunnel vision, but he could still clearly see what was going on.

It was a chamber, occupied by a man and a woman who were still awake at this hour. They were in the bed, peering into each other's eyes as if attempting to see the soul underneath. A bottle of wine lay at their bedside, a previously worn bride's dress was slung around a desk chair.

“Newlyweds”, thought the man to himself. He continued to watch them as they had their romantic moment, distracted from all of his previous desires. Soon however, he crashed, and he could no longer wait for the pair to go to bed. He pulled himself up through the window.

The pair was half-asleep now, eyes closed, but still conscious enough to smile, and know of their lovers’ presence. The man was very strong and very well built. He would need to be dealt with first, and once he had been given the kiss of death, the woman wouldn't be any trouble.

He sank his fangs into the man's neck. The man's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he gasped out the faintest sound. The woman somehow was able to detect it, and she quickly rolled out of bed. The vampire looked her over and smiled. She looked like she could've put up some resistance, but tired and drunk and naked, she was in no position to fight.

He leapt over the bed and charged her. As he dove for her throat, she reared back and let loose a jarring blow with her fist. It connected squarely with his nose. He staggered back, amazed at what the woman had just done. She took the time to scream, and a guard quickly entered.

The man, now cornered, took one look at the confused guard, and dove at the woman's throat. This time he connected. He ripped her arms away, and grabbed onto her shoulder. He overpowered her hands, which were trying to hold him back, and managed to get to her flesh. He bit down, and the blood rushed to him. Her resistance slackened, and then ceased, as her legs buckled, and she sank to the floor.

Finally, the pale man drew back, blood covering his shirt and his face, and now empty of his superhuman strength. The thirst he had longed for had been quenched, and he was happy.

The guard dove into him and shoved a longsword through his chest.

The End of Life. The End of Suffering. The End of it all....

Chapters 35 and on[edit]